You CAN go home again…you just can’t stay

June 29th, 2010

I flew into a small airport Sunday. One I’d flown into dozens, maybe hundreds of times. Walking out of the security zone I saw a group of people, some alone, some couples, some families with small children. All were searching our faces as we approached. The were looking for friends, loved ones, and you could see their faces brighten when the found who they were looking for. You could hear a gasp, a child’s squeal of delight, then the five year old would break away from moms hand and run full speed to dads arms. Each time I landed, I wanted that too. But it seldom happened. Sunday was no different. I must not be a greetable person or something. Even when I’d arrive at the house. No one would come greet me, and once in the door, I’d maybe get a surly look, then a door slammed and locked.

I always knew a trip would end like this, I’d always hope it would be different, but it wasn’t. Landing here brought all that back.

It was nice to find my favorite brand of sketchbooks still in stock, to find the curly fries and gyros were just as good as when I left, to experience a quiet small town Sunday afternoon, and find that the research team that had welcomed me three years ago, still welcomed me.

This place is a mixture of painful and joyful memories, a great place to visit, but a difficult place to stay.

…some days…feathers

June 14th, 2010

There are all kinds of inspirational sayings, two of my favorites are “sure, you win some, you lose some, but you have to suit up for them all” and “some days chicken…some days feathers…”

Today feels like a feathers day.

I can feel  the letdown in my friends, knowing that I didn’t act…what’s the word… diplomatically to remain a contender for a job, and feel the letdown in myself, having to get ready to face some family conflicts at the end of this week, and having faced something inside myself, done what seems like the right thing, but am generally unhappy with the immediate outcome, with little prospect of salvation on that issue in the longer term.

Heading home with that “feathers-in-ones-mouth” feeling, I did something a little different. I drew some lines. Those of you who know me would say “you draw miles of lines!…what’s new with lines?”

What I did was remembering something Professor Dugas taught me. When one is stuck….change! Change your media, change your tools, change your viewpoint, change your colors… and so I did. I picked up a bottle of red ink (well its a bit orangey but its close to red) and then picked up a “dip pen” which is a pen that has a nib similar to a fountain pen, but the nib has an open back, so one can dip the nib in almost anything and not clog it.

As I was drawing my lines (and some dots for a wild change!) it struck me that the dip pen was very similar to what people used to draw with a hundred years or so ago. They’d carve the end of the feather, the quill, with their “pen knife” to form a nib, then dip it in an inkwell and draw until the ink ran out, then dipped again, and kept going.

The dip pen made me think of my elementary school desk, that had a hole in the top for an inkwell (no I’m not that old, we used “bic’s”) but the desk was that old, and the whole feathers in ones mouth thing.

Its true, I was chasing something and had made a last leap for it in recent days, and came up with a handful of metaphorical feathers. Which is decidedly unsatisfying, and because this was an important effort, it was kind of saddening.

But given a handful of feathers, I found the dip pen a very satisfying low technology way to make nice enough lines in paint, something I’ve been trying and failing at for three or four months now, so it turns out, just coming up with feathers might have some potential. Not the same, not as fulfilling, but….its better than a handful of nails…but then, i could make something with nails too…

I guess this is all like something I was sent on facebook last week. “when life gives you lemons…throw them back and demand chocolate!” I guess  as long as I’m looking at what’s at hand and trying to make something beautiful with it, the day is ok.

Well, almost time to consider suiting up again. Hang in there you-all! Be good to each other!

rolling thunder

June 2nd, 2010

It was hot here Sunday afternoon, no surprise really, afternoons have been bumping up against the 100 degree mark for a few weeks now and about the only cooldown comes after a good rain.

We walked from shade to shade, finally finding enough shade that one could have a social conversation in the quiet of the forecourt. Each time I come to this place, I try to quiet my mind down so my senses might become just a bit more connected to this memorial. I saw two coneflowers in bloom, presented as yellow structures against the green lawn just tinged with brown. We sat quietly using the tree and the last bit of granite that hadn’t yet exceeded 100 degrees surface temperature.

We spoke about memorial, about the sequence of spaces, sounds and materials that skillfully removed visitors from their scheduled lives, from the difficulty parking, from their immediate problems, to help them imagine, or remember the chaos that followed the collapse of the stack in 1999. Twelve people died in that collapse, difficult deaths, crushed to a point where they were pinned, but still conscious, directing rescue efforts towards others on their teams trapped in the tangle of logs and cables until their voices, shouting directions, turned silent. S&R teams were unprepared to rescue people from a tangle this big, where each log moved put other trapped people at risk, it took hours, unprecedented initiative in calling in construction cranes and loaders to carefully secure and remove the logs. A horrible event at 2AM.

I remember being amazed that the huge granite planes in the forecourt were all a single block. Their shape led me to believe it was two blocks skillfully joined to hide the connection, but on close inspection, they were one.

After the crowd thinned, we walked down the stone path, a path designed to narrow as one approaches the memorial site, a path constrained by a tall berm on the left, and a low granite timeline on the right (the 1963 stone is missing, no bonfire happened immediately following the death of the President in Dallas. We walked slowly, silently, arriving at the circle of stones and finding a bit of shadow to sit in. The granite was hot, over 90 degrees I’d guess. But the shade made it more bearable. We talked about material, ok I talked about material, making my friend laugh. I can see now that I hide myself behind a wall of little facts whenever I’m nervous. And I was nervous.

Finally settlling, I could smell rain on the wind. No clouds looked immediately threatening, but within a few minutes, lighting in the northern sky reminded me of counting the seconds between flash and rumble, then comparing with subsequent flashes to know, is the storm moving towards us or away from us. Winds were picking up and seemed to be heading right into the storm as the flashes grew more frequent. One mississippi, two mississippi, then boom! The times were steadily decreasing which meant the storm was closing.

The wind suddenly shifted and was now flowing right out of the storm, right at us. I knew that meant rain was imminent. But it was so hot, and I couldn’t see rain on the horizon so we sat and spoke some more with few words.

The air flowing out of the storm became noticeably cooler, and sprinkles began. We sat for awhile, enjoying the splat of rain on our faces, then walked around the portals making up the memorial. The bronze portals inserted in the granite portal had poetry, personal quotes about the person who had passed away that night. Some of the poetry was as impressive as Rilke. I wondered what class they wrote in and if the writing intensive courses today was producing work of that quality.

The wind picked up, we could see the rain on the road a half mile east, hear the roar of it as it fell on traffic, and now had nowhere to go for dry shelter.

The rain came in hard now, sheets of rain, driven by strong winds. We huddled behind the thin stone portal leg, two of us trying to stand in the rain shadow of one of the monoliths. We stood there silently as rain pelted, lighting flashed and boomed instantly, and a siren went off ominously.We stood close, protecting each other, every once in a while asking if we should run for it or stay some more. I liked staying. The rain smelled clean, cool, kind of a northern rain I want to say. The wind must have been 40 degrees cooler and even though laden with rain, felt dry. Our standing had become a kind of rhythmic sway as we tried to dodge bursts of water and wind, mostly successful, but each of us had the left half of our pants soaked.

Then, it stopped. We began walking through the light shower, walking around the deeper pools formed on the path, past the rivers running in the street, stepping lightly over the leaf boats making their way down to the storm drain at great speed. We went back, changed and set out leftovers, soup, green beans, and some dish made of a part of a cow I don’t think I’d ever tried to eat, and may never try again. But before long, we were standing together as if the rain had followed us. I tried to make a safe place in my arms, we spent perhaps an hour just looking into each others eyes. Then it was time to go back to work. As fast as the rain had begun, it ended.

Usually when it thunderstorms, I’m running to check for leaks at brook hollow, next time, I’ll run a bit slower, and stop and smell the raindrops and remember two trying to become one to overcome the rain all around us.

Keep a weather eye out! If a low green cloud rolls out in front of the storm, appears to curve (bow) watch the southwest edge carefully, thats where the vortex will begin, and once formed, who knows where it will end.

Be good to each other.

meaning?

May 18th, 2010

the excitement of a gift

deep sharing of hopes and fears

and words hard to say

perhaps harder to hear

must it mean

can’t it be?

qualities are hard to make

April 24th, 2010

The crepe myrtles are in full bloom here in Texas. All over campus and around the house at brook hollow they fill the air with delicate white blooms, and incredibly sweet smells, and for the first time in a long time (beeswax incident notwithstanding) I’m having the same allergies I had as a kid.

All week I’d been sleeping with the doors open. The cool air filled with the sweet smell was too much to pass by. I kind of knew it wasn’t good for me but, had to sleep with the doors open. The raccoon came and went, (and doesn’t know how to open the screen) and I tried a number of over the counter allergy medications (which caused me to miss the meteor shower!) to no avail. I’ll check with the doctor Monday to get an inhaler again….

Classes are winding up, its pretty exciting to see the work come together on the students desks. They’ve worked through some development of surfaces, designing amazing floors, nicely detailed sunscreens, and are now confident that they can remove the hood ornaments that they started with. One great thing about parametric models, you can put all the design tchochkes on one layer and toggle them on and off to see if they really are necessary…turns out most of the time they’re not, which is very rewarding when you see the students understand that.

The cube of qualities project is also coming along nicely. First drafts and final versions looked very good on Tuesday. I’m hoping the photographic studies will bring out even more qualities.

Today’s big lecture was in our campuses Paul Rudolph-esque bush-hammered concrete auditorium. not super well lit, which really downplays the aggressive texture and makes one wonder what the team was thinking in making subsequent acoustical/lighting/hvac decisions…each tries to take something away from the concrete, and the result is a flattened effect. No apparent visual hierarchy, which is too bad given how much the concrete cost.

Qualities are the hardest thing to bring out….in things…surfaces…and people. It takes just the right light, or a clear place in a hierarchy to make the qualities pop. I saw that the other night sitting along a busy street with the wind at my back. The breeze was strong enough to change everyone around me. They’d bundle up or chase down a bit of litter from their trays or just point their face into the breeze to clear their hair. It was all quite remarkable…something invisible having that kind of effect. Like the sun ticking along the surface of the concrete today…it took that energy to activate, release the quality…

I don’t have an ending to this. I’ll be in search of the qualitative present for a while now, and will report in as I learn.

Take Care, mind the myrtles

the dream car

April 3rd, 2010

I had a dream last night. Dad, John and some fellow I don’t know were in it.

It seems we had taken apart a car of John’s, an orangey-red 1966 impala fastback, in beautiful shape.

The fellow I didn’t know was wondering if it would run again, and what we’d do if the engine didn’t work. I said, “then we’d get a crate motor! a big-block L88 with porcupine heads, all aluminum, 572 horsepower on carburators! Can you imagine?”

Then I was looking down at the shop space in shock, no red car in sight. I went down the stairs into the empty bays and there it say, tucked in the bay beneath the office. Dad was under the car on a creeper, installing a chromed power steering pump. I got down and the floor and looked at the reassembly. Rear end was in, new brake lines run to 4 wheel discs, rotors were in place but the car was still on short jackstands. I looked around for taller ones but didn’t see any and was going to go to sears to find some taller ones to make more room under the car. Dad held out his arm and I pulled him and the creeper out from under the car.

We talked  about what tires to get and discussed M&H street slicks with narrow runners for the front. I wondered if the narrow tires up front would make the car handle badly when my brother took it to the prom at the end of the week. Dad was quiet, but said the tires needed to be DOT approved for street use and wrote down DOT 807.4 on the notepad.

That was it. I woke up.

John never had a chevy impala fastback, dad and I never worked on a car project together, we came close when he bought a 34 ford project car, but we never seemed to be in the garage at the same time those days.

I don’t know who I was talking with about the crate motor, the conversation happened in a hallway that looked like a high school though.

That was it.

I’d never had a dream with dad in it. I remember when he reached out from under the car, I grabbed on to his forearm with my hand, and his hand held onto my forearm. His hands were big, strong. Like tools I remember thinking.

thinking about tomorrow

April 1st, 2010

Tomorrow, but two years ago, Mom passed away.

It just struck me that two years ago today, I had no idea that I’d miss my last chance to talk to her.

She wasn’t really “Mom” at that point, she was Lorraine, somewhere back in time, transported by her  COPD-starved brain. She wasn’t happy the last few years, and seemed to let everyone around her know that, particularly my sisters who were her caregivers to the end.

I think the apprehension I feel is wondering, whose day is it tomorrow? or the next day? Who won’t I get to talk to one more time?

The unpredictability of life, the crazy coincidences that occur because of one pause, one glance must be what drives people to live a good life, never knowing whats around the corner or what tomorrow will bring…or take away.

3.27.08

March 29th, 2010

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Remembering

Regretting

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looking back

March 17th, 2010

almost three decades ago i was following through on a decision that changed my life.